Step 11: Contrary to popular belief, people think during sex. You should be envisioning what you’re writing and–whether with one hand or two–transcribing these visions in detail. And you’re not likely to do that unless you, yourself, are feeling the same delicious tremors. Remember, part of the intent of a good sex scene is to arouse the reader. Step 10: It is okay to get aroused by your own sex scenes. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and tossed about in various ways. Rarely, in my experience, do men or women announce their orgasms. In fact, I’d steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. So please, don’t try to sell us on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a moan or two, and bring her off. Step 9: It takes a long time to make a woman come. (Sesame oil is my current fave, but it changes from week to week.) I’m also talking sweat and saliva, which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as whatever one chooses as a lubricant. And I’m not just talking about semen or vaginal fluid. If you want to represent the truth of the acts, pay homage to the resultant wetnesses. Let the drama of the seduction prime us for the action. Don’t cut from the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. So don’t make the traditional porno mistake. It took me a few years (okay, 20) to realize this, but desire is, in the end, a lot sexier than the actual humping part. Give us the indentations on the small of a woman’s back, or the minute trembling of a man’s underlip. It is your job, as an author, to direct us elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body. Just telling the reader that two (or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward the genitals. Step 6: Don’t obsess over the rude parts. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. The cool thing about sex–aside from its being, uh, sex–is that it engages all five of our human senses. Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as, “I think I’m losing circulation” and “I’ve got a cramp in my foot” and “Oh, sorry!” and “Did you come already? Goddamn it!” They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ, yes!”Īt least, they do not say these things to me. They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.” Step 4: Real people do not talk in porn clichés. And later on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where her ponytail holder is, well, so be it. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. If one of your characters, in a dire moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, duly note this. Don’t be afraid to portray comic aspects. Step 3: Then again, sometimes sex is funny.Īnd if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, you’d agree. I could go on, but only for my own amusement. No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure GateĮqually No: Flesh Kabob, Magic Wand, ManmeatĮspecially No: Bearded Clam, Tube Steak, Sperm Puppet Step 2a: Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you are trying to be funny. Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle is reaching? “She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.” “She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.” There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these terms, which call to mind–my mind, at least–health classes (in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal disease.Īs a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the genitals. Step 2: Never, ever use the words penis or vagina. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and shades. Step 1: Never compare a woman’s nipples to: Therefore, in the interest of preventing more bad sex writing from entering the cultural jet stream, I am officially setting out my 12-Step Program for Writing Incredibly Hot Scenes. My general response to these inquiries is to laugh shyly and say, “Look, kid, ask Updike, he’s even smuttier than me.”īut I must admit that the question is being asked so frequently these days, and with such delicious sycophancy, that I feel duty bound to respond to my public somehow. 2003), I am frequently asked how I manage to write such incredibly hot sex scenes. Now that I am an internationally famous author celebrated for my graphic portrayals of amour (see “A Pervert Among Us,” New York Times Book Review, April 2002, and “How Low Will He Go?” US Magazine, Jan.
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